The Teenage Will to Survive
by Lille Loveland
Summary: When Julia-Maria moves to America after her mother's death, the tension between her and her Stepfather grow. Through the bullying and rejections at school, it seems that no one can keep Julia from breaking down. But when her cousin comes from Austria to attend an American college could she keep Julia afloat in her hectic teenage life? (Some gender-bent characters and incest)
1. Another Teenage Sob Story

**Hey guys...uhm...I'm kind of iffy on...writing...i don't want to give it up but I'm very depressed lately and so...I have a hard time writing, but...my friend said it's a good way to let out my emotions. **

**I'm sorry if this offends anyone…**

* * *

Moving from America, away from everything I knew, was not something I needed in my life. There was a reason I was seeing a therapist. I blame him, my stupid stepfather. He got a business job for Mercedes-Benz and had to move from our comfortable home in Germany. I don't get why he didn't just leave me at home. I don't want to live anywhere with him or my half brother, Ludwig and he knows that. I hated this so much, and I'm not just complaining like every other 16 year old girl in my moving situation. I really have had enough change.

"Why the fuck couldn't you just leave me in Germany?" I complained, dropping a box labeled "Bathroom" in the middle of the living room. "Because, you can't handle yourself, Julia. Watch your mouth around Ludwig." Heinrich warned me, opening one of the boxes for the kitchen. "He's not even down here, he's in his room." Heinrich ignored me. I rolled my eyes, "Heinrich. Am I going to need another therapist here?" The blonde man sighed as if he were irritated, "I don't know, Julia. I'm not going to pay for one, so no." I moved my hair over my shoulder as I followed him into the kitchen. It was bigger than our one at home. "Well, what the fuck am I going to do?" He set the box on the island counter, "Julia-Maria for the last time, enough of the language! Would you just go away somewhere?" I glared at him, willing him to burst into flames.

"You're not allowed to call me that." He shook his head and ignored me again. I clenched my fists, "I fucking hate you." I turned and left, going through the living room and up the stairs to what was now my room. "And stay up there!" Heinrich yelled up at me as I slammed my door. I'd already put all of my stuff in there, I just had yet to unpack it all. I flopped onto my uncovered bed and groaned loudly into the mattress. "Fucking- fuck fucking fuck!" I yelled into the white cotton. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the blank white ceiling. Moving here was bullshit. Giving me the smallest bedroom was bullshit. Ludwig was 7! He didn't need a big room!

I closed my eyes and put my arm over them. I wanted to go back home. I hated this, every bit of it. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be in an unfamiliar place with him, and I didn't want to have to deal with all of this by myself. That's why I needed a therapist. _This_ is why I needed a therapist.

With a loud groan, I sat up, located my phone and chickadee headphones, put them in my ears and blasted my music. I didn't come out of my room until my stomach growled enough that I thought it had started to eat itself. It was late, Heinrich was putting Ludwig to bed while I snuck downstairs to make a sandwich. I hated this place. I wanted to go home. Germany would always be home, our cottage style house just outside of town with my mother's garden will always be home. Not this place.

I sighed as I took my sandwich back to my room and started to unpack. School was starting soon and I wanted to be unpacked before then. So as I ate, I unpacked my clothes, having left them all on hangers or neatly folded because I have a lazy version of OCD. So I hung what needed to be in my much smaller closet and put the rest in my dresser. I then started to unpack my large selection of books. Even though I come off as arrogant, shallow, and self centered...I'm far from it. I like to read and I often keep journals. My mom always encouraged me to read and write to my heart's content, when ever I was sad or upset, I could find somewhere else to be without leaving.

When I finished setting up my bookshelf with trinkets and the three shelves stocked with books, in alphabetical order, I moved onto my bedding, which didn't take long then to my miscellaneous things. I had two boxes of this. By this time I had long since finished my sandwich and the night was passing by quickly. It was almost 3:00 in the morning but, I just wasn't tired. I put some of what Heinrich called, "useless junk" and "unnecessary buys" on my desk, filling the drawers with organized junk, as well as on my night stand. I plugged in my lamp, finally sitting down for the first time in three hours of going back and forth through boxes and moving other furniture to my liking. I pulled out a picture frame from the smaller box on my bed next to me; I knew what it was. Though it pained me to look at it, I had to. It was a picture of my mother, Juliessa Wolf. We looked so similar, Long silver hair, red eyes, pale skin.

My mother had a condition of albinism and I had taken after her. But even though she looked so different, it made her so beautiful, the scar on her cheek making no difference. I smiled softly as I looked at the photo, running my fingers over the glass. I loved my mother. I missed her more than I missed our home in Germany. She contracted cancer a few years ago, the doctors said, but there weren't many signs. It was after Ludwig was born, so she didn't go to the doctor often, otherwise they would have been able to find it. Then it hit really hard 7 months ago. She had a tumor in her brain, near her hippocampus. It affected her memory. She had a hard time remembering who we all were, but when I told her I was her little Julia-Maria, she would smile and say, "My Julia-Maria…? You look like a Julia-Maria...I loved that name...if I had a daughter, I wanted to name her that. You must be mine then…"

It really hurt to know she didn't remember me, but throughout our visits, she would start to, only to forget before our next meeting. Back then, we were still close, all of us. Heinrich would sit on one side of the bed and hold her hand while I did the same on the other side and Ludwig would sit on her lap. We were a family then. But when she finally died...we all fell apart. Heinrich takes care of me because my mother asked him to, otherwise I probably would have gone to my Uncle's. He doesn't even look at me anymore since she died. He used to call me his Prussian Jewel because he knew how much I love the old Kingdom. But now...everything between us has to be an argument.

I'm not going to admit that I miss calling him Vati, I miss him being a dad, I miss our family, but I do.

I set the picture on my nightstand. "When I get to know this place...I'm getting the fuck out." I said to myself, jumping when I heard Heinrich, "Good riddance." as he passed by my door, into his own room. That hurt, I could feel the stinging in my heart. I got up and closed my door, shut off the lights, crawled under my Prussian flag blanket that my mom made me and went to bed. Fuck him. Fuck this house. Fuck this country. Fuck my life.

* * *

A few days later, I started school. Nope. Nope. This isn't gonna work. Nope Nope. I hate it. I got there, the first thing someone brought up was how I looked. Other's joined in making remarks about how pale i was, why my hair was the color it was, and if I was a demon or something because my eyes were red. That was the majority of first block.

By lunch time, I was about to just give up and walk out when two guys sat down across from me at the table. "Hola!~ You're new here aren't you? Are you a freshman?" One of them asked. He had curly brown hair, a slight, slight tan and green eyes. I think he was Spanish. The other was blonde with blue eyes and the beginning of a goatee. "Uh, no, I'm a junior.I just moved here though." The blonde nudged his friend. "I told you!" He had a rather thick french I'm glad I'm not the only European here. "What's your name?" The blonde asked."Si! And where are you from?" the other butt in. "Uh, Julia.." I didn't let anyone call me Julia-Maria after my mom died. "I'm from Germany...Who are you?"

The Spaniard smiled, "I'm Antonio! This is Francis."

"I can introduce myself!" Francis defended. "Are you juniors too?" I asked. They nodded. "Hey, I wouldn't worry about what the other kids here think about you, ouai?(yeah?). Thier opinions don't matter." Francis said, leaning in a little, speaking in a lower voice. Antonio nodded with that forever-plastered-on smile. "Si! Francis taught me that the people who can accept you are the ones that matter. That's how we became friends!" I looked at them as if they were speaking pig latin. "Why are you guys telling me this…?"

"Well, we saw-" Francis started, being interrupted by Antonio, "And heard!"

"Oui, oui, and heard, what the others were saying about you. We wanted to come up and meet you." They did? Well...that did make me feel a little happier. "Well...Danke. Did anyone bully you before?" I asked them. They both nodded again. Antonio was the first to speak, "I'm gay. A lot of people don't like that, and I used to get bullied pretty bad for it. But now they all leave me alone because I don't let them get to me!" He beamed. I smiled at his enthusiasm. "You're gay?" I asked, warily. I was gay, and the only person who knew was my mother. I knew if Heinrich figured it out...ugh. But I didn't think you could just outright admit it in America. There were a lot of gays in Germany, but, as the internet tells me, America wasn't as accepting just yet.

Antonio nodded, "Si, I really like this little sophomore, his name is Lovino. He's really adorable and so- what did Kiku call it?" he looked at Francis for an answer, "Tsundere." was supplied by the frenchman. "Yeah! tsundere! Like he's all super tough and rude on the outside, but I know he's super cute and soft on the inside! I've had a crush on him since my sophomore year. I am just trying to work up the courage to ask him out because I don't know if he's gay too." Francis scoffed, his arms crossed, "Oh, no he's gay. He's too stylish to be straight!" Antonio laughed. I smiled. These guys were pretty cool. They weren't afraid to be themselves and I liked that. I think we could become pretty good friends. "What about you? Do you know your sexual orientation?" Antonio asked with a smile. I looked down at my plate. "Well..yeah...but.." Francis gave me a knowing smile, "You're gay aren't you? It's okay! C'est d'accord! (it's okay!) We like you even if you're gay. I mean look at Toni." He jutted a thumb over at the Spaniard, only said Spaniard had disappeared. "Where did he..-" I looked around the cafeteria, spotting Antonio talking to a bored looking boy with a wayward curl.

"Ohhh…" I was confused, "Who's that?"  
"That's Lovino, Antonio's crush." I smiled then. That was sweet to watch. Antonio seemed happy to be talking to Lovino. I watched their conversation with Francis for a while. Lovino started to laugh then walked away. We were both confused as we watched Antonio rub his neck and walk out of the cafeteria in the opposite direction.

* * *

I walked home alone, Heinrich didn't want to pick me up. It wasn't new. When I got home, he was helping Ludwig with his homework in the kitchen, he'd started school earlier than me. I remember when he used to do that with me. Then I remembered what my new friends said during lunch. "If you don't let them get to you, they don't bother you." I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, "Hi vati, hey Lud, I'm home." I tried a smile. Ludwig turned around in acknowledgement, but Heinrich didn't. "I made new friends." I tried again. "That's great Julia,we're busy." he said. Ouch. "Well, do you think I could tell you about it later?" He sighed, "Julia I really don't care, just go to your room or something." Okay, yeah..that got to me. But I forced a smile to show him he wasn't going to see how much he hurt me with those words. "Okay, Vati, see you guys later." He wasn't my Vati anymore. He was just Heinrich Beilschmidt.

I ran upstairs, closed my door, dropped my bag and held back the depression I felt.I sat on the edge of my bed and picked up the picture of my mom. "Hey Mutti. I had an okay first day! I made two new friends, Francis and Antonio! They're really nice and accept me even though I look weird and that I'm gay!" Droplets plopped onto the glass surface protecting the photo. Where did those come from? Why was my vision blurring? I'd started to cry and those droplets were tears. "Mommy...why can't you be here…? Why did you leave me with him..? He doesn't care about me...he doesn't want me here…" I started to cry and no matter how hard I tried to stop, I couldn't. I hugged the photo to my chest and cried.

I didn't come out of my room the rest of the night, I just layed on my bed, hugging my teddy bear-sized chick named Gilbird. My mother had given it to me when I was young. I texted Antonio and Francis on and off before I managed to cry myself to sleep. I don't know how much more of this I could take without completely breaking down. I felt unwanted in my own family. Ludwig didn't even talk to me anymore, he just looked at me. Heinrich didn't want to be anywhere near me. My mom was dead back in Germany. I didn't know what I could do, or what there was to do. It hurt. It really just hurt to feel to utterly worthless, so completely helpless. So undeniably depressed. And even though I had new friends, I felt incredibly...alone.


	2. The Truth Hurts

**Hey guys, sorry i took so long...just been super lazy ^^;;**

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I've been trying to take what Francis keeps telling me into consideration, "Don't let them get to you", but I can't seem to keep up with it. Every little stare someone throws at me, the comments about me being a Nazi, or about my appearance, or even the rude and snide remarks Heinrich gives me for just being alive. They get to me. They really really get to me and even though, I play it off like it's nothing, there's a reason I hide in the bathroom so much.

I accidentally slept in today and had to rush to get to dressed. I didn't get time to put on my make up, so I had to take my make up to school, hoping to put it on during my first block. I had to make up an excuse to tell Heinrich about my late waking so he wouldn't bite my head off like he's been doing a lot lately. I feel so rushed and exhausted nowadays and it's only been two weeks. I'm not used to anything in this fucking country.

"What are you doing?" Francis asked as I pulled out my make up bag. "I woke up late and I didn't have time to put on my make up." I said, putting on my foundation. I hated not looking socially acceptable, and by the American standards of a highschool girl, I didn't. "I've never seen you without make up before." Francis said, having pulled up a chair to watch me. "That's because she needs it." This kid, Felix, plopped down in his seat two rows away from me and applied his own make up. Francis and I rolled our eyes, myself quickly finishing up my make up and putting my shit away. "Shut up, Polski." I spat, "There's a reason we invaded." Felix snapped his head in my direction with a deadly glare. "What? You're really gonna do that? Fucking Nazi. I knew it. You're going to get your ass jumped for that."

There it was again, I was called a Nazi. But I suppose I had that one coming with my last comment and it only supplied everyone's suspicions of me. Francis looked at me with an expression that said, "You're not really a Nazi, are you?" I sighed. Whatever, I'll go along with it. They want me to be a Nazi so bad, why not give it to them? At this point in my life, I really don't give a shit about what people think about me. I already feel like shit, what's more of theirs piled on top of it all? "So what? As I'm aware, I can say whatever I want here. Freedom of Speech, Polaski. If you have a problem with it, you can go fuck yourself. I don't care if it offends you or anyone else. That's what America is. One big offensive shit fuck country, people here get to say whatever the fuck they want whether others like it or not. That's the point. So suck it the fuck up like all the dicks you do and get over it."

Felix's eyes widened while I sat back satisfied. He looked shocked and I reveled in his reaction. "Julia…" Francis began. "So, you're saying you support Hitler?" he asked. "I'm saying what he wants me to say, Franny. I what I want to say. Hitler was a great leader. I don't condone what he did to millions of innocent people, but I think he was a good, smart, leader. That and the Nazi uniforms were undeniably sexy. Especially the black SS uniforms." Both Francis and Felix seemed shocked. They couldn't believe what I'd just said, though it was all honest opinions with my own right to say them. I don't think genocide is a good thing, you can be a good leader for a bad reason and a bad leader for a good reason.

Francis just looked at me before he got up and walked to his seat. He didn't look pleased. Felix just turned around and texted from his phone. I felt I did something wrong.

* * *

When I got lunch, I called over to Francis and Antonio, but Francis quickly pulled Antonio in another direction. They didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I think it was because of the Hitler thing this morning. I tried to text Antonio during my last class and he only responded with short answers.

"_To: Antonio_

_Hey Toni, are you guys mad at me?_

_sent: 1:26 pm"_

"_To: Julia_

_Y?_

_sent: 1:43pm"_

"_To:Antonio_

_Cause you and Franny are completely ignoring me..._

_sent: 1:45pm"_

"_To: Julia_

_Oh._

_sent: 1:59pm_

"_To: Antonio_

_So...was it because of the Hitler thing this morning?_

_sent: 2:00pm"_

"_To: Julia_

_Dunno_

_sent: 2:07pm"_

"_To: Antonio_

_Toni..Please..come on…_

_sent: 2:08pm"_

"_To: Julia_

_I'm not supposed to be talking to you. How could you think all that stuff is okay, Julia?_

_sent: 2:09pm"_

"_To: Antoni no_

_Lo siento…._

_sent: 2:10pm"_

I knew that Toni had a soft spot for anyone who used Spanish against him.

"_To: Julia_

_I'll talk to him...I'm not even mad at you just...really surprised and disappointed. But...I know we all have our own thoughts…_

_sent: 2:13pm"_

* * *

I had to walk home again. Antonio and Francis didn't want to look at me let alone walk home with me. And to add to it, it was pouring by the end of the school day. Awesome. And guess who didn't have an umbrella? This kid. Awesomesauce. Fucking ugh.

Anyway, when I got home, I was absolutely drenched. Heinrich was there waiting for me, "If you think you're going to tread through my house drenched, you've got another thing coming. Got to the laundry room, you've got a basket to wash anyways." He said to me sternly, his arms crossed over his chest before he turned around and walked away. I rolled my eyes and walked the few steps to the basement door under the stairs and into the laundry room. Our basement was small and...well what you usually think when you think about a basement. Just the bare cement that was covered in cracks and water stains.

The washer and dryer were at the foot of the stairs, a basket of my dirty clothes by the washer. Looks like Heinrich was in my room. I sighed and dropped my book bag by the stairs, put my phone on the dryer and started to disrobe. My clothes stuck to me and it was hard to get them off. Why Heinrich couldn't pick me up on days like this, I have no idea, it just pissed me off. I wrung out my shirt and dropped it in the washer, turning around as I worked on my pants. Those would be the hardest to get off. However, I just so happened to look up and see my little brother standing at the top of the stairs, hanging inside the doorway, watching me undress. "Ludwig!" I shouted, pulling a nearby towel to cover myself. "What the fuck! Get out of here you little sicko!"

Ludwig's eyes widened when he was caught and he ran off, probably to tell Heinrich. Instead I heard running foot steps up the stairs above me and a door close rather loudly. I shivered as I turned around and quickly went through my basket of dirty clothes. I wanted to get dressed and I didn't care what I ended up wearing. How long was that little bastard standing there? I shook my head, not wanting to think about it. I quickly dressed in a stained t-shirt; I think it had grape jelly on it. If that wasn't what it was, well thank Gott I was doing laundry today because I wouldn't have a clue of the mystery substance. I also put on some OK smelling sweatpants and put everything else in the washer. I didn't care, I wasn't going out or anything, it was only the two shits who would see me and if Heinrich wasn't going to bag on me for one thing it was going to be another. So why not make it easy for him and make it my clothes?

Gott this day was perfect! I fucking hate my life at this moment. Not that I didn't hate it at any other. At least when Mom was still here I liked it. With a heavy sigh, these thoughts weighing me down, I climbed the stairs and closed the door. Heinrich was watching TV on the couch in the living room. I was hungry and the only way into the kitchen was through the foyer, where I stood, and through the living room, where He was. Quietly, I tiptoed my way behind the couch, holding my breath as I did. I don't know why I even bother anymore, this man is a beast. He can smell fear from ten miles away, specifically, mine. But I tried my damnest to get past him without confrontation. "Julia." Fuck. I stopped my ridiculous motions, just having barely gotten past the couch. "Was? (What?)" I snapped.

Heinrich turned his head to look over at me, pulling a disgusted face. "What the hell is all over your shirt?" I pulled the hem of my shirt to look at the stain I'd noticed earlier and shrugged. "Slob.." He muttered and turned back to the TV. "Better than you. You know your sick little son was watching me undress?" He snapped his head in my direction. "Was? You better not be lying to me Julia-Maria." I growled in irritation at this, clenching my fists at my sides as I tried not to deck him right in his mother fucking nose. "_My name is __**Julia**_. You aren't allowed to call me that, and I'm not lying! Didn't you hear him running up the fucking stairs?" I made a gesture to the stairs as I tried to keep my voice level.

"I will call you whatever the fuck I please. You're not bleeding or dying are you? You fine, get the fuck over it, Julia-Maria." Oh. Oh, that mother fucker did NOT just do that. I stepped closer, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. "I SAID You're NOT allowed to call me that! The ONLY person who is allowed to call me that is my MOTHER." Heinrich leaned up in his seat, his face in mine, "Well your mother's not here, is she? She was MY wife, you little fuck. The only reason I keep you here is because she asked. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here!"

"I never wanted to be here with you anyways! I fucking hate you!" I shouted back, desperately trying to keep my tears from falling.

"And just how do you think I feel about you?! Seeing you every fucking day, I didn't want to bring you here! I wish I'd left you back in Germany, I wanted nothing to do with you when my wife died, you're not even my fucking kid!" How dare he talk about my mother as if she had no relation to me. "Thank God I'm not! I'd rather die than have to live my life with you!" By this time, Ludwig had peeked from his room to see the argument in live action. "Then why don't you!?" Heinrich shouted back into my face. I couldn't breathe. His harsh words echoed through my head as a hate-filled mantra. I slapped him. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was letting him see the tears I so desperately held back flow uncontrollably. He looked at him in shock from the impact of my hand on his face. He jumped up in response, but I was already out the door.

* * *

The tears continued to flow as I walked out and down the street. I stopped about three blocks over when I realized that I had nowhere to go. I didn't know this town and my only two friends wanted nothing to do with me. Where was I going to go, what was I going to do? No one would take me in. I made my way to a park where I plopped myself down on a bench. God why…? He wanted me dead, he said it himself. The one that I used to call Vati hates my very being. As I mulled over the argument a good half-hour earlier, I didn't notice someone approach me. "E-excuse me…? U-uhm...Julia…?" I looked up at the sound of my name that came from an unfamiliar voice. "Ja..?" The girl that stood in front of me was a strawberry blonde with red eyes like mine. She wore a little hat on her head and a red dress a brown cardigan, and brown Victorian style highheels with brown tights. A deep blush spread onto her cheeks as she fiddled with her hands and looked all over the ground as if she'd lost something.

"U-uhm...Salut...y-you probably don't know me but...I'm Madalina..Nicolea...I...sit behind you in..physics?" I nodded in remembrance of the girl. She was Romanian and would always get flustered around me. "Ja? Was ist los? (What's up?)" She looked down blushing hard. "U-uhm well...I was..wondering if...You can I could…" Before she could finish, I jumped at the offer, "Ja. I'd love to." I stood up and wrote my number on her hand, kissed her cheek and smiled at her. Okay...maybe things will get better here. Maybe. If only i knew what was to come because of this...I'm almost thankful...


	3. That Familiar Burning

**Hey guys...I'm sorry I have taken so long wit this chapter. I have actually been TOO depressed to work on the very story that was supposed to show and relieve my depression. At the moment I write this, I am once again depressed. I'm beginning to think I have a serious issue of depression. But excuse me, I know you've come to read this stpry not about my feelings. Many pardons.**

**P.S. I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but I hope the strong emotion packed into it makes up to it..**

* * *

For about a month, I dated Madalina. During the first few weeks, it was good. Our relationship was a secret from both our parents, and we were fine with that. The most they knew was that we were friends. When her parents were gone, she'd let me come over and we'd watch tv. Watching tv usually turned to flirting, which turned to touching, which turned to making out, and really that was as far as we'd go, not just because her parents would come home, but because...I really don't think either of us were ready to go any farther.

I could never speak a word about our relationship to Heinrich, that's for sure. Not only would his head explode, only after he bit mine off, but he would go as far as sending me off to another school and keeping me from Madalina. And to be honest...I was really starting to fall for her. So I wanted to protect what I had with her. She made me feel wanted, less alone...like it was okay to be me. She was pretty, soft spoken, smart, and sweet. I really loved to be around her.

About the end of the second week I had her over at my place. We were playing a Mario game, something I loved to do because her reactions and pouts were just so adorable. It was to my knowledge that Heinrich was out with Ludwig, where, I didn't know or care. Once we had set the controllers down, she cuddled up to me as some movie played on the screen. Something we switched the channel to for background noise while we completed our ritual of tv, flirt, touch, kiss, interruption. "I don't want to be interrupted this time..~" She cooed into my ear once she saddled up close to me, her hand on my thigh and my arm around her slender waist. I smirked as I turned my head to her. "And what do you propose we do about that?" I flirted back.

Madalina placed her delicate hands on my shoulders and pulled me down on top over her, her lips instantly on mine. I didn't protest but welcomed the already deep kiss. Straight to making out is something I'm just fine with. My hands moved to part her legs a little so I could better settle myself over her, then roamed up her thighs to her waist. Madalina had wrapped her arms around my neck to keep me close, I could feel her hands in my silver hair, gripping lightly while our tongues fought a brutal war in the confines of our mouths. The sweet little Romanian gave off a soft moan, as she sometimes did from time to time, and it only gave me more of an incentive to have her.

My hand snuck its way up from her waist to caress her breast. The small action made her gasp into the kiss and fight me harder for dominance over the kingdom of my own mouth which my tongue proudly ruled and would have none of her incessant, pleasurable fighting. With a slight squeeze, Madalina moaned again, moving her hips up into mine. "Vati isn't going to be happy." I snapped my head up to see Ludwig walk into the kitchen. "Shit." Madalina looked up at me, worried, "Is he gonna tell…?" I looked down at her, "No...I'll bribe him somehow.." I got up and walked into the kitchen. "Okay, Luddy." I said, knowing he wouldn't go for the sudden niceness, "What do I have to do and/or give you to keep quiet?" He stood on his tip toes, trying to get a cookie from the many wrapped packages of American Little Debbie and Walmart brand sweets. "I want the new Optimus Prime Transformer." He looked at me as he bit at the packaging of Zebra Cakes, trying to get it open. "That's all?" I asked, my arms crossed over my chest. Sounded simple enough. "It's $85.95" He said, still struggling. I ripped the treats from him and opened it before giving them back.

"I don't have $85.95! I dont have any more than 30 bucks!" Ludwig just looked up at me. "Don't worry. Vati will be here in a little bit." He walked out, munching one of the cakes. "Okay okay! I'll buy it for you!" I quickly caved. I really wanted to be with Madalina and I didn't want Heinrich, or Ludwig to ruin it. So if I had to buy the new Optimus Prime Transformer for $85.95 then I would. "Saturday." He said, going back up to his room. I sighed and plopped onto the couch next to Madalina and looked at her. "Can I borrow 56 bucks?"

After that, Ludwig didn't bother with us whenever Heinrich was out and I was with Madalina. However, Madalina would be less and less into playing games, watching tv, going out, or our ritual. "Maddy...what's wrong?" I asked as we sat outside on her back porch, swinging on the porch swing. "What do you mean?" She asked. "Well...you seem...less responsive. Like you...don't wanna hang out or anything." I looked at her, anxiety building up inside my stomach like a burning wave. "Oh..it's nothing." She smiled and kissed me softly. I smiled, "I love you…" She just leaned against my shoulder and spaced out again.

The next day at school, my girlfriend walked up to me with a troubled look on her face. I closed my locker and looked at her concerned, "Maddy? What's wrong?" I stepped close to her and she stepped back. "Julia...I.." She heaved a heavy sigh, "I can't. I just can't anymore." I looked at her as my heart pounded, fueled by that familiar burning senastion in my stomach. "Can't...can't do what?" I asked, begging every religious and powerful being in history that it wasn't what I thought. "I...I can't date you anymore. It's not fully you, it's me." Not fully? "What do you mean…? Madalina...don't...don't do this...I...I love you, Maddy…" She shook her head, "Julia...I'm sorry. You're really nice and really kind to me, and I'm sure you do love me, but...I don't love you. I...for me...this was a sort of experiment...and, I think...I prefer guys." She said.

She looked truly sorry, and I'm sure she was, but what I felt then was heartbreak, devistation. "I..I can be like a guy, I don't have a problem with that! I can cut my hair and-" She stopped me by a soft hand on my cheek. "But you're _not_ a guy...and it's not your fault, it really isn't I just...I don't want to be with a girl...and to be honest...you're a little too depressed for me..I'm sorry. But, I wouldn't mind being friends. We can pretend our little trist never happened." She smiled and kissed my cheek before walking away. I just stood there. Why did it have to matter my gender? I was just an experiment for her…? Pretend it never happened…? Students passed me by in the hall without a second glance.

Slowly, I slid down the locker and watched the legs pass by me. I...don't think I'll go to class today..

Once the bell rang for class, I got up and walked out of the building through one of the doors that lead to the outside classrooms and walked. I walked down the hill my school sat on and across the street. I walked passed the auto repair shop and down. Passed suburban houses and across another street until I found a secluded park. I sat on the swing and stared into my lap, letting the drops fall from my eye lashes onto the fabric of my jeans. Whatever...was all I could think, was the only response I could give the whole situation. Whatever…

"Julia-Maria Wolf. Will you please explain to me where the hell you were all day?" Heinrich spat at me while I was seated at the kitchen table. "So I'm not even apart of this family now? You adopted me you know, you big fat idiot." I spat right back. Heinrich glared firey hatred down at me as he leaned on a chair by the table. "You think I'd want the likes of you in my family?" I clenched my teeth and looked out the kitchen window. "Now answer me! Explain to me why you were at school for your first class and gone for the rest." he demanded.

"Because. I needed space and I don't need your bullshit right now, Heinrich. You don't even care, you're just asking me because you want a reason to bite my head off. Well here's one for you, I was dating a girl and she broke up with me because she wanted to date a guy and I wasn't one! I was only her experiment. I needed space, I wanted to be alone. I left the campus and went to the park for the rest of the fucking day. Happy? That's what happened. So go. Go on and tell me how sick I am, how much of a fucking disgusting waste I am and there's a reason my mom died and my girlfriend dumped me. Go on and tell me that no one wants me and that I'm nothing, that I'll always be nothing. Tell me! Tell me that! I know you're dying to so just fucking say it!"

By the end of my rant, I had started to cry, sob in fact, and screamed out the last of it. Heinrich just stood there, indifferent to what I was saying. "I know you want me dead! My friends don't even want to talk to me! I don't have anyone, I'm alone, just like you wanted! So just fucking say it already! Just tell me and I'll be gone for good! I'll run away and you won't have to deal with me. I won't have to burden your precious life any longer and you can just tell everyone that I was a waste of space and how glad you are that I left!" I couldn't help it, I sobbed. It hurt. It all hurt so much as I realized how true all this was. "I'll disappear, Vati...I'll go...I just disappear. I could die or go some place else, I just...I don't want you to hate me anymore...I...I…" I looked at him, eyes overflowing with tears, my pale body shaking, "Just tell me it's all true…"

Heinrich stared at me and stood up from his position on the chair. "Good bye then." He said and walked out. My heart finally shattered. the fractures it had earned from so much endurance finally gave way and my heart shattered. My life shattered. It was over. My Vati...my daddy...at least he said good bye…

I got up, trying desperately to keep in my sobs and went up stairs and into Ludwig's room. He was playing with the toy I bought him, looking up at me when I walked in. I knelt by him on the floor and hugged him tightly. "Ich liebe dich, kleiner bruder..(i love you little brother)" I whispered and kissed his head. "Auf Wieidersehen…(good bye)" He looked up at me, "Where are you going?" I smiled at him, "Just going to sleep for a while…" It was hard not break down in front of him, but I managed and left the room. I went to my own and wrote a few notes.

"_Heinrich,_

_ I'm sorry for everything. I love you dad._

_-Julia-Maria"_

"_Ludwig, _

_ Little brother, you probably don't understand why I left like mom did, but don't blame yourself or anyone. I was just a little too sad and a little too out of place in your guy's lives. I hope you live a full, a deservingly happy life. I know I wasn't the best big sister, but you really meant a lot to me and I love you. Be good. I know you won't have a problem with that._

_-Julia-Maria"_

Once the clock hit midnight, I went downstairs and left the notes on the kitchen table then went into the bathroom and grabbed all the pill bottles we had. I took a beer from the fridge and went back up to my room. I didn't want to make a mess of things for Heinrich, so I opted out of the slitting my wrists option.

I cracked open the beer then each bottle one by one...


End file.
